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Florida is…

37) Where this vile piece of shit lives: Florida man uses baby as human shield during traffic stop, deputies say

38) Where this flaming idiot comes from: Florida Man Arrested on the Same Day He’s Released From Prison After Gun and Bullets Found in Car He Was Riding In

39) Where this dunderhead stumbles through life: Florida Man Arrested After Stopping to Pet Cat During Police Chase

Florida is…

34) The place where this stupid, meth-head teacher lives: Florida first-grade teacher arrested for trying to buy ‘8-ball’ of meth at school

35) The place where this outstanding citizen lives: 28-year-old Florida man arrested for 66th time

36) The place where this total monster lives: Florida man arrested after hanging Navy vet’s service dog with electrical cord, punching his son, 16: reports

Florida is…

31) The place where this monumental fucktard lives: Florida man, perhaps unfamiliar with cold weather, sets house on fire to keep warm

32) The place where this guy, who just doesn’t understand the concepts involved, lives: Florida man steals goods to pay for ankle monitor fee

33) The place where this appalling thing happened: Florida man accused of pointing lasers at landing planes, injuring a pilot

Florida is…

When you see a news story that starts with the phrase “Florida man” you can be sure that it will be about something weird and/or illegal – or just plain stupid – happening in the Sunshine State. However, men aren’t the only screw-ups and idiots in Florida. I present here for your edification, three examples out of the many, many available.

28) The place where this awful parenting transpired (be sure to read about what they found in the bus): Woman in Florida charged with leaving three kids in bus overnight to smoke pot on boat

29) The place where you can find this version of domestic bliss: Florida woman charged with using Christmas tree to attack boyfriend

30) The place where this happened (’nuff said): A Florida woman called 911 to report a dead woman on her driveway. Police say she killed her

Florida is…

25) The place where this complete and total jerk lives: ‘We should hang’ Ilhan Omar, Florida congressional candidate writes in fundraising letter

26) The place where this happened: Florida man accused of secretly recording boys in their homes, offering one of them money for sex

27) The place where this happened: Florida Man Abandoned Son on the Side of the Road Because He Thought the Child Was Gay, Police Say

Florida is…

22) Sometimes like this:

23) The place where this happened: Florida man stealing condoms, lubricant leaves cell phone behind at Walmart

24) The place where this happened: Florida man accused of having sex with ‘Frozen’ toy at Target

Florida is…

19) Under Florida’s “stand your ground” law, it is legal to shoot anybody for any reason as long as you are standing on the ground. – Dave Barry, author.

20) The place where this happened: Woman set on fire inside Florida Taco Bell; suspect arrested

21) The place where this is happening: Venomous puss caterpillars are back

Florida is…

16) Florida isn’t so much a place where one goes to reinvent oneself, as it is a place where one goes if one no longer wished to be found. – Douglas Coupland, author.

17) The place where this happened: Florida man’s female roommate finds camera hidden in bathroom, including footage of the perv getting dirty in the shower

18) The place where this is happening: Florida iguanas hunted and killed for tacos and burritos

Florida is…

13) Florida is lovely. It really is the best place in the United States to run from your past mistakes, straight into new ones. – John Green, author, 2019.

14) The place where this happened: 3 children, 245 animals removed from ‘deplorable’ Florida home

15) The place where this is happening: Hepatitis A Outbreak Grows By 55 Cases In Florida

When Florida takes a day off, New Jersey fills in

This ought to be a Florida story, but many thanks to New Jersey for its noble effort to take up the slack. Click the headline for the whole, awful story.

NJ man allegedly threatened farmers who denied him sex with animals

Note: I hope theses states are not entering into a competition.

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